Dear campylobachter, salmonella, shigella and/or possibly Escherichia coli,
You are not welcome here, and I would appreciate it if you would leave promptly. Yes, the back door is an acceptable exit — I’d actually prefer it to the front — but let’s do it in an orderly fashion, could we? I don’t know whose coattails you road in on, but if it was that spinach salad last night, shame on you! It tasted so good, too. All a big trick.
My gut is not an appropriate locale for a bacteria and/or parasites party, and that should have been evident by all the healthy food I’ve been eating. Some people just don’t get the hint. And Escherichia, I know you think you’re cool going by E. coli but you remind me of Chris Kutcher adopting his middle name of Ashton as his first name — you’re trying a little too hard and I’m not impressed.
I’m entirely fed up with entertaining you all day. I’ve got better things to do than put up with your gurgling. Ixnay on the ipstray to the athroombay, if you catch my iftdray. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Thank you in advance for your attention to this urgent (and I do not use that adjective lightly) matter.