Ode to swanky paper products

There was a time in my life when the only paper product I could afford was toilet paper, known in swankier circles as “bathroom tissue.”

I blew my nose in the toilet paper (fresh sheets — do I need to mention that?) and instead of paper towels, I used a dish rag to wipe up spills. Napkins? Ha! Either they were washable or swiped from a fast food joint.

On the meager salary of a rookie newspaper reporter, I just couldn’t justify the cost of superfluous paper products that would only be tossed away like so much garbage.

When I finally could afford Kleenex — the brand-name ones! — well, I felt like I had arrived. And to splurge on Kleenex with lotion? Well, talk about swanky. I was mingling in Kardashian circles now!

Today was toilet paper stock-up day (I now have the comfort of buying toilet paper in Costco-size packs with enough rolls to outfit a small motel), and my Beloved tossed a pack in our cart. At check-out, I inspected his choice which was delightfully labeled with “TOUGH when wet!”

“Oh, I didn’t know bathroom tissue manufacturers were promoting themselves so boldly,” I thought. “‘Absorbent,’ yes, but ‘tough’? Really? We need ‘tough’? Who gets violently exuberant with their toilet paper?”

Further inspection revealed the bathroom tissue wasn’t bathroom tissue at all; Viva is predictably promoting its swanky paper towels as “tough.”

No, no, no. This won’t do. I’m proud to use paper products for their appropriately marketed purposes. We’ll have none of this cross-pollination.

And besides, the roll never would have fit on the toilet paper holder anyway.

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