Is this what you get when you bake while it rains?

Is this what Crusty Pound Cake is SUPPOSED to look like?

Someone left a cake out in the rain.

I don’t think that I can take it

‘Cause it took so long to bake it,

And I’ll never have that recipe again.

Diva Donna Summer might not have that recipe again, but in my case, I’ll never use that recipe again.

I tried making Crusty Cream Cheese Pound Cake for Tyler’s birthday today. I found the recipe in a Fort Wayne, Ind., newspaper story (click here for it).

It calls for two sticks of butter, 8 ounces of cream cheese and six eggs. I figured it would be an appropriately decadent dessert for a man who thinks breakfast isn’t complete unless you have two kinds of breakfast meats plus fried eggs.

As the rain fell outside while Tyler went to his birthday back massage, I leveled and creamed and mixed and poured. I didn’t have the “tube pan” as called for, so I used a bundt pan. If I did anything wrong, that’s it. Otherwise, I followed the recipe. To. The. Letter.

I baked the gooey batter for 75 minutes. About 30 minutes in, I realized I had more saddle than horse, as my mother might say, and I was going to have cake batter all over the bottom of my oven. But being the clean freak I’m not, I just let it keep baking and overflowing, figuring I’d clean up the mess later. How bad could it get?

When the baking time was up 45 smoky minutes later, I encountered a pan with less batter in it than out of it. What was left in it was sort of spongy and greasy looking, kind of like the inside of a damp cave. I knew at that point I was in deep, deep crusty-pound-cake trouble, but I took my mother-in-law’s advice and tried to turn the sunken cooked glop out of the pan. A lot of sins can be covered by strawberries and whipped cream, you know.

Happy birthday, dear Tyler.

Happy birthday, dear Tyler.

Here’s a nice shot of Tyler’s birthday cake out of the pan.

There’s not a big enough dollop of whipped cream in this state to cover the sins of this cake!

It’s got crusty edges all right, if you like your crust sort of crispy and burnt. The body of the cake has no structure, like a house of sugar built on butter and cream cheese.

This is why we get ice cream cakes prepared by Dairy Queen professionals for most occasions around here.