How to buy a vehicle on the internet

“I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.”

~ John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler
in the movie “Say Anything”

I feel the way about cars a little like lovesick kickboxer Lloyd Dobler feels about careers. I don’t sell cars, buy cars or repair cars. I drive them and sometimes I finance them, but beyond that, I don’t want anything to do with the acquisition of vehicles. I don’t want to do that. I leave that to the more informed men in my life.

I am amazed and impressed with my Beloved’s skill at acquiring and hawking used vehicles. Besides the standard in-person exchanges, he’s made a habit of buying vehicles long distance. He bought motor homes in Pennsylvania and Kansas City before taking possession of our current mode of transportation and camping, the 1983 Pace Arrow, which he bought from a Wisconsin man and has proven to be a smokin’ deal over the past two years.

Before he met me, he purchased a dump truck in Illinois and made a tidy sum reselling it in Minnesota. Imagine the bumpy joy of driving a dump truck six hours up the interstate highway. Last summer, he wrangled a Cadillac Escalade in Minnesota, which we picked up on one of our frequent trips north.

His advice to others who have found a vehicle on Craig’s List or eBay and are considering buying before seeing it in person is simple: If you don’t know what the heck you’re doing, don’t do it. The nuances of mechanics, negotiation and logistics are like yoga — they look easy to the uninitiated but they require years of experience to perfect. With the advice to proceed at your own peril, here are a few tips:

• Ask questions. Two questions I always hear my Beloved ask include “What’s wrong with it?” and “Why are you selling it?”
• Look at lots of pictures. A good internet ad already includes a dozen pictures or more with basic views of the car’s dashboard (which shows the mileage) and closeups of the tires (which show wear and possible wheel well rust). If you don’t see enough pictures, ask for more. An above-board seller will provide them.
• The seller matters as much as the vehicle. If it sounds too good to be true, don’t believe the liar. If he’s young (sorry youngsters — you’re too hard on your vehicles), if he sticks entirely to texting or email and won’t talk on the phone, if he’s vague on details, if he has no internet sales history to check (i.e. eBay ratings), steer clear.
• Finalize the deal in person. Even if you’ve traversed several states and included your transportation costs in the price of your deal, the final exchange should be made in person and not made at all if you sense anything fishy.
• Be willing to walk away. Remain suspicious until the final signature and last dollar, and then be mentally prepared to find the problems the seller didn’t disclose.

My wheeler-dealer husband scored another long-distance coup this week. My stepson had his heart set on a rather rare Nissan Altima SE-R, and my Beloved tracked down a 2005 version in superb condition in Denver, Colorado. They flew there Thursday to score the deal and made a father-son adventure of the 15-hour drive back to Minnesota.

Caswell is so happy!

This shopping trip was a first

If you can follow the logic between watching “Doomsday Preppers” on National Geographic Channel and shopping for a hand gun, then you understand the phrase “contagious paranoia.”

Did you know you need a firearm owner’s identification card to even touch a gun in an Illinois gun shop? And did you know it takes 30 days, 10 bucks and a clean mental and legal record to get one?

And did you know a 9mm handgun is probably the best option for a woman whose experience in shooting a gun begins and ends with a water pistol because it is lighter, has less recoil and doesn’t jam?

And did you know you can rent a gun at some shooting ranges so you can try one and become familiar with a particular type of shooter?

As for “contagious paranoia” and logical leaps, you might follow the link from “global pandemic” to “Be a hero.” “Global pandemic” is trending right now on National Geographic Channel’s Doomsday Dashboard. The how-to-survive rule “Don’t be a hero” was changed to “Be a hero” in the 2009 movie “Zombieland,” a tale about life after a zombie apocalypse.

Never hurts to be prepared. Extremely well prepared.

Gathering a wardrobe as well as memories

Gatherers tend to enjoy shopping more than hunters.

If you have one thing in mind, and you’re in and out of one store, and you accomplish your mission, you’re a hunter. My Beloved is a hunter, and that’s why he prefers buying pretty much everything online. Click, click, click and he’s done.

I’m generally a hunter, too, but on occasion, I enjoy a gathering-type of expedition. I learned to shop this way from an old supervisor, with whom I shopped once on a business trip. When I was done with one store we entered together, she was only 5% through the racks. Ever the polite follower, I started over again and really looked at the choices. I ended up finding one of the best suits in which I ever invested (I still own and wear it, nearly 15 years later).

Gathering is an especially good approach in a Goodwill, for instance, when you really have to look at every single item. You tend to find things you didn’t know you needed (at excellent prices). A gathering approach is definitely the way to find good deals on any clearance rack.

I enjoyed a gatherer’s approach to shopping this week with my stepdaughter and mother-in-law as we shopped for some career pieces Morgan can wear in her new job (congratulations, Morgan, on her first “real” job!)

The last time I shopped with Morgan was definitely a hunting expedition in search of an interview outfit. But this time, she played the dutiful paper doll and I got to suggest some mix-and-match pieces to dress her. I learned why personal shoppers love their jobs — nothing like spending someone else’s money to make my stepdaughter look good (Grandma footed the bill).

We invested in a lot of colorful tops to balance her conservative black and navy pants, but my favorite piece in Morgan’s new wardrobe: A cuffed-sleeve python print shell from Express. Python is the trend print this season, and it’ll look stellar with black, gray or taupe.

This afternoon, she paid me a sweet little compliment by calling me from a shoe store she was visiting. “I’ve got a fashion question for you,” she said as she queried the work appropriateness of a certain type of shoe.

Oh! She wanted my opinion! This, I thought, must be what mothers feel like. How fun!

Celebrating with the bargain shoppers

This is what one does if one doesn’t go to church, eat chocolate bunnies or enjoy a ham dinner with the family on Easter: Shop the flea market.

I’ve never seen so many cotton socks and $1 bottles of soap in one place. The parking lot went on for blocks.

I did, however, score a few pair of trouser socks and a $3 orange belt. We passed on the $425 stained glass floor lamp.

Happy Easter!

An Andy Williams kind of weekend

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

‘Tis better to give than receive. Kids might not get it, but we adults understand the joy of giving a well-chosen gift and seeing delight on the recipient’s face. Still, the shopping for said gift is pain in the neck when your browser doesn’t respond to “buy now” or the mall parking lot is a packed. 

Today, the “buy now” button worked, and the mall lot wasn’t that’s bad. Both of which certainly make the day more wonderful.

There’ll be parties for hosting.

Three days. Three holiday parties. My merry-making kept me from working on my Christmas cards, but the parties were great for putting me in the holiday spirit. All the parties were very different — a company party at a hotel, a cousin’s evening soirée and an afternoon meeting/party — but they held in common good company and delightful decor.

Marshmallows for toasting.

Marshmallows? In cocoa, maybe, but we ain’t toasting marshmallows in December here in northern Illinois.

Instead, I signed up to bring salad to today’s party, and even though I consider it to be a standard potluck-type of salad, I got lots of compliments. It’s easy to make, uses inexpensive ingredients and tastes great. If you’re looking for something like that to bring to a potluck this month, try this:

Ramen Noodle Salad

Ingredients:

• 1 16-ounce package shredded cabbage
• 1/2 of a 12-ounce package of shredded carrots
• 1 bunch of scallions, sliced
• 1 cup sliced almonds
• 1 cup sunflower seeds
• 2 packages of ramen noodles, crushed
• 1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup canola oil
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 2 seasoning packets from the ramen noodles (oriental flavor)

Directions:

1. Combine the vegetables. Put the nuts and noodles in a Zip-lock bag. Combine the vinegar, oil, sugar and seasoning packets in a sealed plastic container and shake.
2. Just before serving, add the nuts and noodles to the vegetables and dump the dressing over the whole thing to mix it up.

And caroling out in the snow.

OK, it wasn’t out in the snow, but a choir sang at church this morning for the first time in ages. And a young saxophone player accompanied the organist in a tune, too. I applaud the volunteers who practiced and performed because it made the service more special.

There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago.

Time to get out “Scrooged,” my favorite retelling of “A Christmas Carol” starring          Bill Murray.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Effervescent dreams

Visions of a hot tub have filled my Beloved’s dreams the past few months.

I have been Switzerland on the subject. Sure, lounging in a hot tub is lovely. But not so lovely that I’m willing to spend the money and perform the maintenance required.

When Tyler asked me point-blank if I thought we should get a hot tub, I said, “I have no opinion. That’s up to you. You know how much money we have and how much you would enjoy it, so I’m not taking a position.”

Then it was amusing to watch the consummate salesman sell himself on a hot tub. “I think we would use it a lot.” “There’s a spot on the patio for it.” “We wouldn’t need a gazebo for it if we have a cover.” “I know how to install it.”

After looking at a number of hot tubs on Craig’s List, his outlet of choice, he said, “I don’t want to buy someone else’s problems.”

Uh, oh, I thought. Now we’ve moved from the Arena of Splurge to the Quagmire of Investment.

I overheard him talking on the phone to a couple of hot tub retailers and heard numbers like $5,000 to $15,000 and phrases like “interest free financing.”

Wow. I’m Switzerland, I reminded myself.

My Go Big or Go Home husband went off to the hot tub store without me because I had plans to go to downtown Chicago. “Good luck, honey,” I said.

He called me a couple of hours later. “We own a hot tub!” he said proudly.

“Great, honey, how big is it?” I asked.

“Room for eight!” he said. “Lots of jets!”

I gulped.

“How much?” I said.

“Two hundred dollars!” he hooted.

“Huh? How did you manage that?”

Well, as it turned out, one of the Craig’s List sellers returned my Beloved’s call while he was chatting with the hot tub salesman about an $8,000 model. The seller said his wife had been in it just that morning, but he wanted to get rid of it quick because he was moving.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. What a deal!

That’s not the end of the story, though. Of course, it’s not.

Tyler drove to the seller’s house with every moving trolley we own and TJ, the 17-year-old mechanic friend who tagged along with the promise of dinner out, as amused by Tyler’s wheeling and dealing as I am.

No way were those two going to get that enormous hot tub on our car trailer by themselves.

My Beloved was undaunted. While standing in the seller’s yard, he got the 411 on a hot tub mover who was willing to move it the next day for just $375. OK, even for a total of $575, the Craig’s List hot tub was a smokin’ deal.

The hot tub showed up in our backyard the next day. Now, my Beloved just had to hook it up. Before it arrived, he spent three hours getting electrical … things. I’m not an electrician but by “things” I mean wire and gray boxes. Plus a gallon of paint to refresh the outer body. Grand total on these “things”: About $275.

Running total: $850.

Try as he might, though, he couldn’t get the hot tub to work without tripping the breaker.

Bummer. Could it be we spent $850 for a water-filled paperweight?

One electrician friend was invited over to take a look for the price of a case of beer.

No dice.

A second electrician friend stopped by to diagnose, also lured by a case of beer.

After much puzzling, “Beats me,” he said. “Maybe it’s a faulty ground fault interrupter.”

Back to Menard’s for a new gray box.

More tinkering.

More futility.

The hot tub worked when the electrical wasn’t being routed through the ground fault interrupter, but otherwise no. Ugh. We’re playing with electricity and water here, and neither of us wanted to be the main ingredient in hot tub stew, so Tyler called another electrician. This one, supposedly a hot tub expert, agreed to come on a Sunday for actual cash.

Five minutes after he arrived, he identified the issue. Fee: $40.

So for $890 and three cases of beer (the third case was for us), my Beloved’s dream of a hot tub came true.

Lovely.

Author’s Note: According to the owner’s manual that came with the hot tub (yes, the seller included the owner’s manual, the cover, the steps and an array of water chemicals in the $200 deal), it says, “WARNING: To Reduce the Risk of Injury the use of alcohol, drugs or medication before or during hot tub use may lead to unconsciousness with the possibility of drowning.” Minnesota Transplant in no way suggests, encourages or recommends the drinking of beer while in a hot tub. I’m Switzerland here.

Am I sectional person after all?

My Beloved and I went shopping this morning and spent an ungodly amount of money at Costco, where they sell everything. In bulk.

They had a brown microfiber sectional on display, and my Beloved actually hesitated in front of it and said, “You know, I wonder …”

I didn’t let him finish.

I covered my ears and I said, “A sectional? A sectional?! Are you serious? I camp in a 1983 RV. I go to the stock car races every weekend. Now you want me to consider buying a sectional? Really? I cannot stoop that low. No. Absolutely not.”

And then I wondered (to myself), “What do I have against sectionals?”

They seem so, well … if I was decorating a movie set for a meth addict, I would put a beat-up sectional in the middle of the tiny living room in a trailer home. I’d shove it up against a corner, and put Alice in Chains music posters on the wall. And instead of pillows, I’d decorate it with syringes. Or whatever drug paraphernalia one needs to do meth.

Yes, I can be that haughty.

Now I realize many beautiful homes are tastefully decorated with sectionals. But sectionals belong only in big spaces — an enormous finished basement, for example, or a great room with exposed timber ceilings.

Our living room is not like that. It’s a 12-by-14-foot space already overwhelmed by an enormous flat-screen television.

That’s my problem with sectionals: In most settings, they say “wannabe” to me.

So, to sum up, I’m too good to own a sectional and not good enough.

As we proceeded through the store, we put into our cart: Floor mats, wine, TP to last into November and an enormous jar of sun-dried tomatoes. As noted, they sell everything at Costco.

Dress. Dressed down.

And then I found this dress. Yes, at Costco. And there was a mirror there, and I threw the dress on over my T-shirt and shorts, and it looked pretty good. So I put this dress — this dress made entirely of manmade material — into our cart, and we bought it.

I bought a dress at Costco.

Dress. Dressed up a little.

But this dress, see, it’s really versa-tile. Because it’s made of polyester and spandex, it will travel well. And it hangs so nice. And it’s the perfect length. And I can dress it up a little to go to church — with a cotton cardigan and black espadrilles. Or I can dress it up a lot and go to, oh, I don’t know, a meeting with my agent — with a jacket and purple pumps.

Dress. Dressed up a lot.

Just kidding about the agent. No agent yet.

But if I had an agent, I could wear this dress to see my agent.

Or I could wear it on the back deck and read the Sunday paper (I could never dress it down enough to wear to the races though).

It’s that kind of dress.

So now I’m thinking, if I can find a fashionable dress at Costco, well, maybe I should measure my living room and consider the possibility that I could own a stylish sectional.

Ya think?

These glass slippers transform me into a fleet-of-foot runner

You know you’re really a runner when the shoes you’re most excited about buying are new running shoes.

Today was New Running Shoes Day at Minnesota Transplant’s house. It comes but twice a year, and it’s celebrated with a big outlay of cash — more than twice what I think I’ve ever paid for a pair of dress shoes.

These shoes — Asics Gel Kayano 17 — represent pain-free jogs through the neighborhood, and they’re worth every penny. The “17″ means they’re the 17th iteration of these cushiony feats of engineering.

I picked them up at Dick Pond in Carpentersville. A running friend needed to be evaluated, so we went together. The expert at Dick Pond diagnosed the issues and prescribed a solution. I highly recommend a in-person visit if you’re running around in not-so-good quality shoes.

I can hardly wait to don my new footwear tomorrow morning!

Bids to do our bidding

One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure, as they say, and I’m out to turn some of my trinkets into Thailand.

We’re out to empty our domicile of its detritus in exchange for a trip to Bangkok.

While dining on satay and curry this past weekend, we decided we needed a new goal. While I’ve traveled to such wonderful places as London, Sydney and Tokyo, I still long to visit Rome and Bangkok, a couple of exotic and historic locales with excellent cuisine. Thus, our new goal is Bangkok, and I am reminded, as I am so often having grown up during the era of Ronald Reagan, of a pop song from the 1980s:

It’s Iceland — or the Philippines — or Hastings — or –
or this place!

A proper trip to Asia requires two weeks, so you can acclimate to the time change, and in a perfect world, business-class airline tickets. To finance this venture, we’ll need a tidy sum … so we’re having a garage sale!

The creme de la creme of the chess world in a
show with everything but Yul Brynner

Well, not a garage sale, exactly, but we’re going peddle our wares to the world on eBay. With a lot of effort by my mother-in-law and my Beloved, we put 17 things — from clothing to tools — on eBay today.

So you better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage parlours …

We may not be able to afford business class plane tickets on the proceeds from eBay, but we certainly will rid ourselves of clutter while collecting a dollar here and $10 there — and sometimes more, fingers crossed — if and when our stuff sells.

One night in Bangkok and the world’s your oyster …

Good to the last penny

While it might be considered a bad habit by some, it’s a habit few self-respecting Minnesota Lutherans would ever give up.

“Putting the coffee on” signals it’s time: Time for the sun to rise, breakfast, coffee break, visiting, lunch and dinner.

Of course, not everyone (even every Minnesotan) likes coffee. If you don’t avoid coffee because you don’t like the taste or because of the health effects of caffeine or the way it stains your teeth, you might avoid it because it’s, gasp, not grown in America. The land of the free, home of the brave doesn’t have enough steep mountain sides and low-wage laborers to harvest it. I read an amusing commentary in the Chicago Tribune recently urging the American-made crowd to give up their coffee.

If you reject such heresy and you’re looking for a more affordable way to satisfy your addiction, try www.coffeeam.com.

We had 15 pounds of aromatic beans delivered to our door today for just $8.19 a pound, including shipping. Our choices included Sumatra Black Satin, Tanzania Peaberry and Costa Rica Reserve beans. Yum. Who needs to look forward to going to bed when you can look forward to waking up to that!

Compare that to the low-price leader: Standard (but palatable) Dunkin’ Donuts coffee beans are available online from Wal-Mart for the equivalent of $10.37 a pound (free shipping).

Check that out: Java and jing!