‘The Dictator’ may surprise you when you laugh out loud, in spite of your reservations

Good advice in many situations: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

When in Japan, eat with chopsticks.

When on Illinois interstate highways, drive fast and follow slow drivers with Wisconsin plates so closely as to pressure them to move to right lane.

When spending time with 17-year-olds, learn to appreciate Sacha Baron Cohen.

This is how I came to spend good money and 90 minutes of my life with “The Dictator” this past weekend. My stepson wanted to see it, and I wanted to spend time with my stepson.

Five years ago, Caswell adopted a new accent and a verbal tic for six months after seeing “Borat.” The 13-year-old delighted in Borat’s low-brow mockumentary humor. I must have heard “I want to make sexy time” at least 10,000 times. Thank goodness, he grew out of it. And yet, he’s a Sacha Baron Cohen fan.

And so, “The Dictator” held the promise of new lows and grating lines. And you know what? It wasn’t too bad. In fact, I laughed out loud several times. And, at the end, I very much appreciated the satire of the dictator’s speech on dictatorships.

Given that it stars Cohen, “The Dictator” is filled with potty humor, embarrassing sexual references, shocking racist comments and a musical version of a four-syllable expletive that will have you singing words that would make your mother blush. But it also has a plot, a love interest and a searing perspective on our American values that will make you wonder if the democracy Egypt is establishing with its presidential vote today for the first time in thousands of years is worth it.

You’ll appreciate “The Dictator” most if you have a strong stomach for shock humor, a basic understanding of current affairs and an appreciation for Cohen’s comedic courage. And, of course, love the one you’re with. Good company makes any outing better.

Ramblers are death traps

OK, my headline my be overstating my case, but I got your attention.

People who sit all day and watch TV all night — even ones who run 35 miles a week — have a higher risk of heart disease than people who move around all day. Mayo Clinic cardiologist Martha Grogan told the radio program “Here & Now” that sitting for more than four hours a day gives you the same risk of a heart attack as smoking. (Click here for the story.)

Today’s news comes on the heels of yesterday’s “Fresh Air” interview with author and fitness expert Gretchen Reynolds who said just standing for 2 minutes every 20 minutes can improve your health.

“Sitting for long periods of time — when you don’t stand up, don’t move at all — tends to cause changes physiologically within your muscles,” Reynolds told “Fresh Air’s” Terry Gross. “You stop breaking up fat in your bloodstream, you start getting accumulations of fat … in your liver, your heart and your brain. You get sleepy. You gain weight. You basically are much less healthy than if you’re moving. … If you can stand up every 20 minutes — even if you do nothing else — you change how your body responds physiologically.” (Click here for the full story.)

Which leads to me to this unscientific, self-serving conclusion: Two-story houses — with lots of steps — have healthier occupants than residents of ramblers.

I prefer the appearance of two-story houses, and all the houses I’ve owned have had two stories. (Heck, I think three- or four-story houses are impressive — I just could never afford one of those.)

But presentation aside, two-story houses win on function, too. To my way of thinking, single-story ramblers are a sign of resignation to being lazy or getting old. I’m going  into old age kicking and screaming, and all that kicking and screaming turns out to be very good for my health.

With my Beloved now working from his home office in the basement and me working in a bedroom on the second floor (alternatively known on some of our address labels as Suite 4 and Suite 2), I take the steps many times a day. Sometimes, I take the steps just to take a break. Usually the break involves a snack (sometimes a lower-calorie hug), but still, I’m moving. Our little 8-pound schnauzer is in good shape, too, what with all the to-ing and fro-ing.

I’m not ready for a stand-up desk or a treadmill desk, but the news that even a little movement is better than none is compelling. Compelling me to stand up and take a walk.

What are you looking at? Get moving!

Ode to the self-employed

The more I mingle with people who own their businesses, the more I admire them.

When I first started drinking the Corporate Kool-Aid, I was a ladder climber who thought small business owners were wannabes. My father owned his own business selling and fixing TVs, and though he worked long hours, he made it look easy. I mistakenly thought it was a snap to run a business and therefore assumed working for Big Acme was a more difficult higher calling.

Ah, the simplicity of youth. Dad made it look easy, maybe, but I wasn’t getting — or perhaps absorbing — the whole story. While working for The Man, I was always told what to do, either directly or indirectly. I chafed under that kind of leadership. But honestly, it’s pretty easy to take orders.

Small business owners have to tell themselves what to do, and that is far more demanding. Entrepreneurs must find the motivation to push themselves around, and figure out what to do from amid myriad priorities.

My husband owns his own agency, and I see now how much effort is required to do anything — troubleshoot technology, pay taxes, please demanding clients — let alone make money and balance work effort.

I have a friend who is pursuing her dream of selling Polish pottery (check out More Polish Pottery in northern Illinois), and I got to witness her at work yesterday. I marveled at her sales skills, her customer service and her grace, not to mention her tirelessness. Her internal motivation is inspiring.

Today’s Parade magazine in the Sunday paper featured “Real People, Real Salaries” with interesting brief profiles of earners and their earnings. I accepted the invitation to complete an online survey of Americans’ views of their jobs and work cultures (you can complete it, too, here). One of the questions was “What one piece of advice would you give a young person starting a career today?”

I answered, “Work for yourself. The people at the top don’t know more than you do. Why make their mistakes when you could make your own?”

Businesses fail sometimes, and they fail no matter who’s in charge. Businesses fail when MBAs are in charge. They falter when they are run by someone who brags he’s among the top 1,000 businessmen in America. They flounder when rich investors get involved. A master’s degree, self-confidence or money do not guarantee good leadership; good leaders learn to lead by leading, especially themselves.

Having learned throughout my corporate career that stuff happens sometimes, I’m in awe of the people who fearlessly forge ahead, willing to draw from deep within to make their own luck. They’re the smart ones.

Making spirits bright … or maybe just haunting me

“Captain, he put creatures … in our ears
… to control our minds.”

~ Chekov in “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”

Yeah, nothing like a Ceti eel to interfere with the mission at hand. Here on Earth, they’re known as ear worms, I learned this week on National Public Radio’s “Talk of the Nation.”

An ear worm is one of those nuisance fragments of a song that plays endlessly in your head.

For some inexplicable reason, that nuisance song for me recently has been “Jingle Bells.”

A listener of “Talk of the Nation” offered this advice for combatting such a creature: Sing through the whole song to close the loop (click here for that replay).

Let’s try it …

Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way.
Bells on bob-tail ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight.

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way,
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh. Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.

Did it work? Yeah, me neither. At least now I won’t be alone in the rubber room.

You’re welcome.

Voting 101: Illinois Primary Election

The Illinois primary elections are Tuesday.

If you’ve never voted, or you’ve never voted in Illinois, or you haven’t voted in a primary, here are the basics you need to know to be an informed voter and enjoy the experience:

1. Make sure you’re registered to vote. Illinois voters must register in advance, so if you’re not registered now, get registered so you can vote in the general election in November. You can register to vote at most public libraries and municipal offices.

2. Determine your voting precinct. You can almost certainly find this online (in Kane County, click here; in DeKalb or other counties, click here), but if not, call the county clerk’s office.

3. Decide which primary you’re voting in. A primary election is the means by which parties choose their candidate for the general election. This means you can vote in the Republican primary for Republican candidates or the Democratic primary for Democratic candidates but not a mix of both. You might also have the option of other parties, like Green, or a nonpartisan ballot, which includes issues but not candidates. For example, in Hampshire, residents will have the option to vote for electric aggregation — which is a presumably cheaper alternative to ComEd. That question will be on all ballots, and it is the only question on the nonpartisan ballot (not sure on this issue? Vote yes unless you are employed by ComEd — ultimately it should save you money).

In any case, if you’re not sure which party to affiliate with, a simple litmus test would be this: If you think you want Obama to be president for four more years, vote in the Democratic primary. If don’t like Obama, you probably ought to vote in the Republican primary or another party’s primary (like the Green party). The Republican primary election is very lively this year because there are several viable Republican candidates for president.

If you’re 100% sure you’d classify yourself as an independent voter, you probably should ask for a nonpartisan ballot and just vote on the issues. Let the parties determine who their best candidates are, and you can pick from among them in the general election in November.

4.Print out a sample ballot and get informed on the candidates. See the links above for sample ballots for all parties. You may bring your sample ballot and your notes to the polling place.

If the only person you want to vote for is the candidate for president, you can find information on almost any reputable news website or type the candidate’s name into Google and go directly to the candidate’s website. Whatever you do, if you vote in the Republican primary, don’t vote for Rick Perry. Insults aside, he’s dropped out of the race but his name is still on the ballot. Voting for him is essentially a vote for Newt Gingrich, since Perry has endorsed Gingrich. If that’s what you want, you might as well vote for Gingrich.

Besides voting for the candidate for president, you’ll get the opportunity to vote for the delegate(s) to the party’s convention. You should choose delegates who match your candidate vote.

Besides the presidential race, there are a number of contested races for county seats in Kane County, especially on the Republican side, so it behooves you to be informed. If you’d prefer, simply vote for the candidates you know and leave the other races blank.

5. Show up at the polls between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. This is when lines will be shortest. If you can’t make it in the middle of the day, show up anyway and do the duty of a proper citizen.

If you’ve never voted before, find a friend to go to the polls with you. As in all things in life, there is courage in numbers.

The state of the nation depends on an informed electorate. Voting is a small but important act of citizenship. Exercise your right.

Let’s pare an hour from our work rather than our sleep

If you’re sick and tired of losing an hour of sleep every spring, it’s time to join a new movement: Americans For Workday DST.

Americans For Workday DST have a simple platform: Turn the clocks forward during the standard workday on Monday afternoon rather than on a weekend night.

You read it here first, folks. Why aren’t we springing ahead at 2 p.m. Monday afternoon instead of 2 a.m. Sunday morning?

Exactly. No good reason.

Daylight Saving Time is an arbitrary practice that occurs in most industrialized countries — but not all — at roughly the same time — but not exactly. No good reason exists to demand we make this change in the middle of a weekend night. Changing clocks is a pain in the neck no matter time of day it is — why not do it when most of us are wide awake?

Losing an hour of sleep wreaks havoc in Americans’ internal clocks every spring, causing more heart attacks, car accidents and workplace injuries in the two days after the time change.

Meanwhile, Americans work 77  hours a year more than the Japanese and 310 hours a year more than Europeans. Why not lop one hour off that total?

We could return to Standard Daylight Time in the middle of an autumn night — I have no problem getting an extra hour of sleep.

Instead of the little motto “fall back, spring ahead” (which, by the way, doesn’t work in Australia anyway), we could jog our memories by repeating “fall back in bed, spring out of work early.”

Whaddaya say?

Join the movement: Americans for Workday DST. The hour you save might just be your own.

On the stump

Nothing impresses the voters like grassroots campaigning.

Why do you think politicians spend days and weeks in a bus, crisscrossing a state, kissing babies and shaking hands?

Getting in voters’ faces works.

It may not work as well as negative campaign ads, but it’s certainly a lot cheaper when you’re running for a county seat rather than, say, president.

Illinois’ primary election is two weeks away, and I met one of the Republican candidates for Kane County Auditor yesterday. He was knocking on doors in my neighborhood, drumming up support. I chatted with him for a few minutes while walking my dog. Fortunately, politicians eager to meet as many potential voters as possible are not as long-winded some door-to-door missionaries touting the values of the Mormon church or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Friendly man who seems sincere. Honestly, I may not meet any one else on the ballot in person. Geographically, he was a long way from home since Hampshire is in the northwest corner, and he’s from Big Rock, in the southern end of the county.

It seems I will have to do some homework. Apparently, the county auditor seat is being vacated so there is no incumbent. I don’t know whether I’ll vote Republican or Democrat in the primary, but there may be as many Democratic candidates running for the office as Republican ones.

In any case, his willingness to invest shoe leather in his campaign impressed me.

And meeting a live candidate in the street sure beats hearing a recorded candidate on a robo-call in my kitchen.

Race car fans pull a fast one

National Public Radio shares a cab with NASCAR – what do you get?

An interesting news story on how watching NASCAR races may contribute to aggressive driving. Find the story here.

Psychologist Guy Vitaglione’s research found a spike in aggressive driving accidents five days after NASCAR races in West Virginia — 650 extra accidents over a four-year period.

Could watching race car drivers influence regular drivers? I think so.

I watched hundreds of stock car races over the summer, and every time I left that race track to drive the curvy cross-county roads home, I had to remind myself: I’m not a race car driver.

And I’m a conservative female driver who rarely drives more than 9 miles over the speed limit (“Really, Officer, did I say, ‘rarely’? I meant ‘never.’)

Watching drivers stomp on the gas, speed up on curves and hip-check each other all night gets under your skin.

This totally validates my “garbage in, garbage out” theory, too. If you feed your brain with mindless pap or violence or foul language, you get mindless output or violent actions or expletive-laced language. The opposite can be true, too: Visualize success and behave successfully.

Now that I’ve shared today’s news, I’m off to watch “Survivor.” When reality TV goes in, what comes out?

‘Clutter’ as entertainment

Making an eccentric millionaire hoarder into a likable character is a trick pulled off magically by Andrew J. Pond in the Madkap Production, “Clutter: The True Story of the Collyer Brothers Who Never Threw Anything Out.”

Pond is also a magician but it’s still an accomplishment to play Langley Collyer, a self-absorbed obsessive-compulsive, with flair. Edward Kuffert is more bombastic and oddly repulsive as the other Collyer brother.

Maybe I like my plays like I like my books: Based on fact. I enjoyed “Clutter” even though it is a tragic story of two men so overwhelmed by clutter it is the death of them.

When I was a newspaper reporter, I interviewed a hoarder. I talked with her in her overgrown, weedy yard because, I suppose, her house was so full of belongings there wasn’t room for me. She was news because the city was trying to evict her from house. She was among the most colorful people I’ve ever talked to because of her ability to articulately justify the abominable condition of her property.

Playwright Mark Saltzman humanizes the Collyer brothers in the same way. Who hasn’t kept some antique tchotchke with the thought, “This’ll be worth something someday?” The Collyer brothers simply took this concept to an extreme, filling their apartment with so many newspapers, musical instruments, car parts and garbage that they had to crawl through tunnels to get around.

“Clutter” is set in the ’30s and ’40s in New York City. Saltzman also artfully pulls off the complicated task of splicing  together two time frames — the back story of the brothers’ hoarding and the primary story of the investigation of the death of one of the brothers by a pair of policemen, also brothers.

I attended the performance with members of the Chicago chapter of NAPO, the National Association of Professional Organizers. A few of them found the humor of the tragicomedy to be misplaced. These people see the ugly side of having too much stuff and they devote their professional lives to mitigating the effects of piles of junk in our lives.

Whatever your opinion of hoarders and humor, “Clutter” will make you reconsider the volume and organization of your own belongings. I’ve gotta go clean my purse.

“Clutter: The True Story of the Collyer Brothers Who Never Threw Anything Out” plays through March 11 at Greenhouse Theatre Center, 2257 N. Lincoln Ave., Chicago.

No satisfaction in cashing this check

The check that was in the mail arrived yesterday.

It was a settlement for a class action lawsuit in which I was a party. Well, one of the lawsuits in which I’m involved. This lawsuit is the case of Currency Conversion Fee Antitrust Litigation & Ross, et al, vs. American Express Co., et al.

At the risk of being sued, here’s the summary: Credit cards in the early 2000s were charging high (reasonable? outrageous? depends on your perspective) conversion fees to Americans who used their cards when traveling outside the country. Somebody (Ross?) took issue with this and sued the credit card companies on behalf of the card holders.

See, when you use your credit card in another country, the credit card “converts” the purchase in say, Euros or pesos, into U.S. dollars, and it charges you a certain percentage for the privilege. Most travelers choose to do it that way rather than convert dollars to another currency before leaving on the trip because the bank charges even higher (more reasonable? more outrageous?) fees for that.

Like anything having to do with banks nowadays, they get you coming and going.

At the time, I was traveling internationally on a monthly basis and I spent a lot of  personal funds on cool jewelry, funky clothes, strange snacks, mind-expanding entertainment and foreign reading material (I was reimbursed for hotel, meals and taxis, so I didn’t get to claim that). I was made aware of this lawsuit and invited to submit documentation, so about four years ago, I did. I claimed I spent somewhere along the lines of $6,617.37 over the course of eight years on various meaningless trinkets on which the credit card companies charged 1% to 3% in conversion fees.

That was four years ago. The folder of my documentation is so old it was in the very back of my file drawer.

The settlement check was for the tidy sum of …

$32.76.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

It took more than four years, a solid afternoon of my time, 10 million claims from other card holders, two separate lawsuits (this represents the results of only 1) and 11 appeals by the credit card companies to get this check.

Oooh, we really stuck it to the Big Banks, didn’t we?

That’s the part that makes me laugh.

The second lawsuit, if I read this right, is about to be settled. Nearly $50 million in claims have been submitted by members of the 99% like me, and attorneys have been awarded $13.875 million plus the costs of notice and administration of the settlement.

Now that’s a check: $13,875,000.

So the banks overcharge their customers, and a law firm gets millions of dollars for representing the customers. And it takes the American legal system nearly five years to sort the whole mess out. That’s the part that makes me want to cry.

So, I have this check for $32.76. How should I spend it? Should I invest in more cool jewelry and funky clothes? Or buy a tent and a picket sign?

Well, while I ponder it, I think I’ll deposit it.

In a bank.