Tag Archives: Books

Libraries are for more than bibliophiles

Libraries are underrated.

I’ve spent time in at least 20 libraries in the past three months during my speaking tour on “The ABCs of Photo Organization,” and I’m amazed at some of the services and opportunities offered there.

One library (in Crystal Lake) has a scanner for use by its patrons — for free. People can use it to scan their photos. At no cost other than the memory stick upon which to save the information.

Besides books, many libraries offer author talks, book clubs and writers’ groups. True bibliophiles probably already know this. But the classes and groups aren’t only for book lovers. Northern Illinois libraries offer classes for gardeners, technophobes, armchair historians and lots more.

Almost all libraries offer ebooks for free. If you’re not sure how to take advantage of this, many libraries offer classes and demonstrations on how to use this option.

And last night, I took in a beautiful art display at the Elk Grove Village Library. The local artists group displayed images on the theme of “yellow.” Flowers, fruit and other miscellany in all sorts of media filled the walls. I think I found an artist to illustrate the cover of my memoir (fingers crossed).

If you haven’t been to your local library in a while, check it out. You might be surprised at the helpful and interesting information you’ll find there.

To disarm a covertly aggressive manipulator, begin by reading this book

Today’s gem comes from a short little book, “In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People” by George Simon Jr.

If you live with, work with or know a manipulator, get thee to Amazon or Barnes & Noble and order this book.

Passive-aggressive behavior drives me nuts.

I am a very direct person, and I don’t like people who can’t tell it like it is. Did I do something wrong? Just tell me. Are you angry with me? Don’t just avoid me — tell me you’re angry and let’s resolve our differences. Don’t want to come to my party? Don’t tell me you’ll be there and then don’t show up.

I can come on strong sometimes, but people who respect that have told me they appreciate knowing where they stand with me. My contempt is not usually a secret. As I’ve aged and my rough edges smooth, I have come to appreciate diplomacy (being direct doesn’t necessarily mean using a lot of four-letter words, for example) but I remain direct and respect a direct approach.

Author George Simon’s definition of standard passive aggression vs. covert aggression — a manipulator’s preferred form of aggression — illuminates a lot of crazy-making behaviors I recognize in past relationships:

Passive-aggression is, as the term implies, aggressing through passivity. Examples of passive-aggression are playing the game of emotional “get-back” with someone by resisting cooperation with them, giving them the “silent treatment,” pouting or whining, not so accidentally “forgetting” something they want you to do because you’re angry and didn’t really feel like obliging them, etc. In contrast, covert aggression is very active, albeit veiled, aggression. When someone is being covertly aggressive, they’re using calculating, underhanded means to get what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their aggressive intentions under cover.

After reading this definition, I realize (too, too late in some cases) that I was labeling serious question-my-own-sanity manipulation as run-of-the-mill passive-aggressiveness. Not the same things at all. And coping with a manipulator requires, if you will, aggressive vigilance.

Simon devotes an entire chapter to a manipulator’s covert techniques and another whole chapter to coping with and successfully challenging them.

It’s an enlightening book. If anything you’ve read in this post piques your interest because you recognize covert aggression in an important relationship, get this book today.

The dawn of e-reading at my house

Confession: My worst habit is that I let paper accumulate.

I spent four hours on Super Bowl Sunday filing paperwork from 2011. And half my desk was still covered in detritus.

The Thanksgiving issue of Food Network magazine is still unread in my bathroom. Thanksgiving 2010.

My Beloved loves everything about me. Except my penchant for leaving newspapers everywhere (OK, maybe not everything, but the newspaper thing is definitely Pet Peeve No. 1).

I have more recipes ripped from newspapers and magazines than I could cook in a year in a pile in a cupboard in my kitchen.

I’m thinking I need more bookshelves because I have hundreds of books, dozens of scrapbooks and diaries from junior high filling the 17 shelves already in my office.

This e-reader phenomenon might help me kick this bad habit.

I downloaded a book today.

Cue the harp music and shaft of sunshine.

I downloaded the Kobo app on my iPad two weeks ago and Could. Not. Figure. Out. How. To download. A book.

I even did a search on Google. One can find the answer to anything on Google. Couldn’t find it.

For all your Google searchers, here’s how to download a book on your Kobo app on your iPad: Download it on your computer. Then refresh your iPad.

So I downloaded “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill at the suggestion of my boss. (I’m on Chapter 1. Jury’s still out.)

And I started reading it. On my iPad. Immediately. Without bringing another paperback into the house. Or the box it comes in (we have so many boxes around here, my brother-in-law teases us about our box collection). All for 99 cents. I could buy eight business e-books from 1987 for what it would cost to buy a paperback version of “Think and Grow Rich.”

I can make notes and get into a discussion with other people reading the book on Kobo. (No one else is reading it right now — probably need to choose a more popular book for to truly appreciate this function. As long as we’re taking about other books, a librarian this past weekend highly recommended I read “The Hare with Amber Eyes” by Edmund de Waal. If you’re trolling for book suggestions.)

And, get this:

I downloaded the Real Simple magazine app and started reading that. It looks very much like the magazine. Including the NYDJ ad with white jeans. (What’s NYDJ? Not Your Daughter’s Jeans. OMG, I’m counted among the mom crowd. And can you wear white jeans in March?)

If I want more information about those white jeans, I can click right on the ad and go to the NYDJ website.

Brilliant.

Now I just have to download the Chicago Tribune app, and the newspapers will be neatly tucked into my sleekly Stella & Dot-dressed iPad.

I can see doing a lot of reading on my iPad.

A new bad habit is born.

Writing thank-you notes has gotten a bad rap … here are some tips for writing good ones

If you have some people to thank after getting some extravagant gifts for Christmas, think of your gratitude as being among those gifts.

“Expressing gratitude is not an obligation,” says Margaret Shepherd in her book, “The Art of the Handwritten Note: A Guide to Reclaiming Civilized Communication.” “In fact, it is one of the most intense pleasures you can have.”

I wrote thank-you notes for Christmas tonight, and I do this for me as much as for the recipient. I get to savor the gifts I received and think good thoughts about the givers. Yes, it was part of my “to do” list today so I guess that makes it a chore, but I like putting pen to paper and saying thanks in a semi-creative way. And for me, there’s double value. Even though I insist the gifts be separate, as a Dec. 23 baby I can thank people for both birthday and Christmas gifts in the same note.

Shepherd says there are five characteristics for a good thank-you note:

  1. Be generous. “Send a note even if you’ve already thanked the giver another way,” Shepherd says.
  2. Be specific.
  3. Be prompt. (I haven’t finished sending all my Christmas cards, but I’ve got those thank-you notes done!)
  4. Be succinct. (See, you don’t have to write a book.)
  5. Be personal.

Stuck with writer’s block? Try beginning one of these phrases from Shepherd:”I was so pleased to …,” “You were so nice to …,” “What a nice surprise …,” “That was a thoughtful gift …” and “It was a treat when we … .”

I’m always so pleased to know I have regular readers. You’re so kind to tune in and comment on occasion. Thanks for reading!

2 books, 2 immigrants, 2 money metaphors and 2 good reviews

My idea of heaven on earth is reading a book while basking on the beach.

I powered through two books while lazing around in Puerto Vallarta last month (oh, there were the eight hours on the plane getting there and back, too — nothing like the excuse of a book to keep a seatmate from bugging you during flight).

While I don’t normally choose fiction, these fictional stories were based on real life and offered intriguing escapes during my trip. Both books were about immigrants and shared complicated plots.

“Little Bee,” lent to me by my friend Barb, is the story of a young Nigerian refugee and an English magazine editor named Sarah. It is the story of how they met and the horror some illegal aliens undergo in trying to escape political unrest.

It’s not as dry as it sounds because the author infuses the characters with enlightening down-to-earth perspectives on common Western traditions (like having tea) and less common African concepts (like tribes and oil wars).

I loved this, from the thoughts of the Nigerian refugee:

“I could not stop talking because now I had started my story, it wanted to be finished. We cannot choose where to start and stop. Our stories are the tellers of us.”

“Little Bee,” told from the perspectives of two women, is written by a man, Chris Cleave. The second book, “The Lacuna,” is the story of a Mexican-American man written by a woman — Barbara Kingsolver.

My sister recommended this book, and it begins with a young Mexican boy learning to swim and make tortillas in the 1920s. I wasn’t impressed, but by Page 29, the intrigue begins. This is a painstakingly researched book that fictionalizes real-life characters such as famous Mexican artists Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky and U.S. Rep. Richard Nixon (yes, the guy who later becomes president).

Besides offering historical and political intrigue, Kingsolver writes fabulous dialogue:

“Isn’t it crazy? Rich people in the United States don’t even know how to use money properly.” She peeked at her lunch plates now, inspecting the rellenos. “They don’t mind throwing big parties while people stand outside in the street with nothing. But then they serve puny little foods at the party! And live in houses stacked on top of one another like chicken crates. The women look like turnips. When they dress up, they look like turnips in dresses.”

“You’re right, senora. Mexico is the better place.”

Here is one of my favorite bits of dialogue from the book:

“I thank my lucky stars, Mr. Shepherd, and I thank you. I do. That I’m a person who went somewhere.”

Interestingly, both books use similar metaphors about money. From “The Lacuna”:

This household is like a pocketful of coins that jingled together for a time, but now have been slapped on a counter to pay a price. The pocket empties out, the coins venture back into the infinite circulations of currency, separate, invisible, and untraceable.”

Or this, the first paragraph from “Little Bee”:

Most days I wish I was a British pound coin instead of an African girl. Everyone would be pleased to see me coming. Maybe I would visit with you for the weekend and then suddenly, because I am fickle like that, I would visit with the man from the corner shop instead — but you would not be sad because you would be eating a cinnamon bun, or drinking a cold Coca-Cola from the can, and you would never think of me again. We would be happy, like lovers who met on holiday and forgot each other’s names.”

Both “Little Bee” and “The Lacuna” transported me from the Mexican beach to another place (while I was gone, I got a tan). You might like them, too.

When one couldn’t care less, one can love more

“I just love you. I don’t care what you do.”

Love without caring. How novel. What freedom.

I finally got around to reading Martha Beck’s column in the July issue of O magazine, and her advice on “How to Love More By Caring Less” makes so much sense (click on the title to read the whole column). She took some heat, I see, in the letters section of the September issue, but I think her suggestion is right on target, especially when you love someone with whom you don’t agree.

Take my stepkids. Please. (Just kidding — a little Henny Youngman humor there. If my stepchildren happen to read this post, Henny Youngman was a stand-up comedian in the mid 20th century who made the line “Take my wife — please” famous. It’s a joke.)

They are children, and my Beloved and I want to give them advice, influence them, parent them (that’s what parents do). But they have come to ages when they don’t always do as we would wish. When we imply that “if you do this, I will love you” we are putting conditions on our love. Unconditional love demands there are no conditions. So by caring less, I can love more.

The approach works with parents, in-laws, siblings and friends, too. You want to dye your hair green, eat a banana split instead of workout, buy a minivan, have at it! I just love you, and I don’t care what you do.

That’s not to say you should allow people to hurt you, but if they take actions with which you don’t agree but don’t hurt you, it’s healthier to care less.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend discuss this very matter in the fine how-to book “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No.” The Law of Responsibility posits, “Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another.”

For me, the supreme role models for this behavior are the mothers who sit in courtrooms where their sons are accused of terrible crimes. When I was a newspaper reporter, I was in such courtrooms and I witnessed such women. They don’t rant and rave, they don’t blame the victims, they don’t disappear. They may be very sad, but they are present, loving their child who made a very, very bad choice.

True love should be unconditional like that.

4 worthwhile resources for wicked stepmothers (and the rest of us who are just trying our best)

“Love is learning how to be patient.”

Chicago Tribune reporter Kevin Pang used this line in a story today about Enrique Calderon, a line cook at Ina’s restaurant who flawlessly flips Ina’s famous pancakes.

It’s good advice for stepmoms, too.

Having been a stepmom for three years now, I have an inkling of how much I didn’t know when I first met the boy who became my stepson and the young woman who became my stepdaughter. I can’t say I wouldn’t have taken this road if I had known all the ups and downs I was in for, but I might have traveled better if I had a few of these stepmom resources:

  1. A book: Being a stepmother is “the most difficult role in the family today,” according to Ron L. Deal and Laura Petherbridge, authors of “The Smart Stepmom,” a fabulous guide for a woman thinking about getting involved with a man with children and for women who have been stepmoms for years. The book is written from a Christian perspective, but the principles therein can be adopted by any woman looking for advice on understanding the motivations of their stepchildren, engaging her husband and coping successfully with the biological mom. I wish I would have read this book before I got married the second time; maybe I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes and taken so many slights personally.
  2. A magazine: StepMom Magazine is an online magazine that specifically addresses the unique challenges of stepmoms. It’s not cheap ($5 a month), but it is full of relevant well-written stories and useful perspectives. The September issue has stories on loyalty binds, jealousy between stepmothers and stepdaughters, resolving conflict and forgiveness plus regular features. It’s designed so well, I print it out.
  3. A website: I found www.NoOnesTheBitch.com on Facebook. If nothing else, it is an amazing case study on using social media to promote one’s book (which is also interesting to me). “No One’s The Bitch” is written by a biological mom and a stepmom who actually get along and do so well enough that they wrote a book about it. I haven’t read the book yet, but the website is well-stocked and features a blog. They also have a fan page on Facebook that puts out inspirational and interactive information.
  4. A movie: I cried my eyes out the other night when I saw “The Other Woman” staring Natalie Portman as the character for whom the movie is titled. Lisa Kudrow plays the biological mom. Besides the subtext of adultery and remarriage, the relationship between Portman’s character and her new stepson is center stage, and I found myself alternately wondering how she could be such a bad stepmother (not wicked, exactly, but definitely not good) and rooting for her success. Adding drama to this exceptional character-driven story, Portman’s character loses her biological child. The movie, which I recommend even if you’re not part of a stepfamily,  is based on a book I haven’t read, “Love and Other Impossible Pursuits.”
For other posts about my stepmother journey, click on “Parenting” in the tag cloud in the right column.

Don’t stuff your embarrassment — we’re in this together

Humiliation isolates us.

I think the times I’ve felt humiliated and how I thought that if I didn’t talk about it, those feelings would go away.

But they don’t go away. They fester. Eventually, you’ve pushed so many people away, you feel lonely, too, like no one could ever understand, and you must be some sort of horrible person.

I’ve been thinking of humiliation lately because I’ve repeatedly run across author Wayne Koestenbaum, who has been making the rounds with his new book “Humiliation.” In it, he examines the many facets of humiliation through literature, historical references and personal experience. Quite courageous of him, I think, to reveal his humiliations in print. Smart, too.

We all feel humiliation about all kinds of common problems: I can’t pay my bills, my marriage is falling apart, my children hate me, I’m fat. I felt humiliated earlier this week when I arrived in person at a great company at which I wanted a job and when I admitted I didn’t have an appointment with the human resources manager (gasp!), I was told by the bitchy receptionist, “Oh, that’s a very bad idea, showing up without an appointment. She definitely won’t want to see you then!” I slunk away, feeling humiliated by a poorly paid — but employed — witch sitting behind a glass partition.

Being unemployed is humiliating. I feel like reminding my dear readers, “I wasn’t fired! The company I was working for disintegrated, and it wasn’t my fault!” but that would seem to indicate people who have been fired should feel humiliated (they shouldn’t) and the management at fault should feel humiliated (even if they made bad decisions, shit happens).

Even irrelevant things can humiliate us: My lawn is yellow and filled with weeds and my neighbor must hate me, I don’t know the political party of the president (and don’t care), I’m having a bad hair day, oh my God, my fly is down.

Humiliation was a key factor in preventing me from finishing my memoir, and it’s so sad because one of the themes of my book turned out to be the freedom of authenticity! I wrote:

The gift of being authentic was slowly taking root in my consciousness. I could be freed from the bondage to which only I had the key. My own judgments kept me chained to the iron ball of humanness, not the judgments of others. If only I could choose authenticity instead of pretense, I would be able to forgive myself and welcome the authenticity of others to enrich my life.

The balm for humiliation is talking about it. Share your humiliation. Enlist the support of your friends. The people who love you want to help. Most people are so much more kind than we give them credit for when we’re stewing in a pool of isolation, a certain bitchy receptionist notwithstanding. Everyone is embarrassed about something, and when we confess our troubles, our friends lighten our load.

Humiliation, be gone!

A little gem, hidden among the job applications

I have nothing of value to share with you today. Except that I checked in on my 401(k) for the first time in two years and was delighted to find its value is equal to what it was four years ago (makes mattress savers look pretty smart, I must say).

So, I share this little gem I found in the book I’m reading, “Falling Apart in One Piece”:

“Life is good. Life is hard. These two truths are unrelated.”

~ Stacy Morrison

Can’t predict ‘em, but take in the buggy pleasures when you find ‘em

“Telling the future by looking at the past assumes that conditions remain constant. This is like driving a car by looking in the rearview mirror.”

Experts who predict the future are frequently wrong.

The talking heads on Fox News? Chronically incorrect. ESPN’s sports prognosticators? You could choose the winners with as much accuracy as they can. The feds who predict crop yields? Generally accurate (thanks to reams of information gathering) but sometimes wildly wrong.

This I learned today by listening to my local National Public Radio station’s broadcast of the Freakonomics Radio episode, “The Folly of Prediction.”

Of course, I could have predicted that (ha, ha). I do not pay attention to weather reports, for example. A weather forecaster is very good at telling you what the weather is like where he’s at right now. Beyond that, not so much. I can tell you it will be hot tomorrow, and I know that without wasting my time waiting impatiently for the 10 p.m. news weather forecast. I just go to bed. Now you can, too. It’ll be hot tomorrow. And if you knew for a fact it would hot on Sunday, would you really change your plans? Probably not.

Life is unpredictable no matter how much the control freaks among us (yes, me, too) would like it to be otherwise.

Around the lunch table today with a few interesting women, we marveled at how lives change in an instant. A tragic car accident, for example, changes everything. Welcomed news of a good thing coming doesn’t mean it will actually arrive.

As of today, I’ve been officially unemployed six weeks. Could I have predicted this? The outcome, yes. The writing was on the wall. The exact timing? No. Will I still be unemployed tomorrow? Probably. But maybe not. A safe prediction –like I predict I still will be looking for a job next week — has a high likelihood of being correct. Will I get famous for predicting that future? Not likely. But if I make a recklessly unlikely prediction — like I predict I will be a best-selling author in early 2012 — the odds are very low I will be right. But if I am right? Wow! That would be impressive. (Just remember, you read it here first.)

I am reminded of a passage in Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life”:

It helps to resign as the controller of your fate. All that energy we expend to keep things running right is not what’s keeping things running right. We’re bugs struggling in the river, brightly visible to the trout below. With that fact in mind, people like me make up all these rules to give us the illusion that we are in charge. I need to say to myself, they’re not needed, hon. Just take in the buggy pleasures. Be kind to the others, grab the fleck of riverweed, notice how beautifully your bug legs scull.

We cannot predict what’s down the river, so let’s just enjoy the ride. I did that today, quite literally. On my way back from lunch, I stopped at a friend’s house. But she wasn’t just any friend. She’s a friend with a pool. And I lounged in her pool for a couple of hours soaking up the 90-degree heat I couldn’t change anyway.

The buggy pleasures were glorious.